December 2, 2015

The Bacon

FIU News So Hot, It's Sizzlin'

Cristobal means business.FIU’s athletic program is in shock following the news that Golden Panther football coach Mario Cristobal is in police custody following a victory at a brutal bar fight. The fight left several men severely wounded and Cristobal completely unscathed.

From what we can gather from sources inside the Miami-Dade Police Department, Cristobal was having an argument with fellow patrons about the quality of the Sun Belt conference in which he coaches. After receiving taunts about playing against “nonathletic children”, and “babies who learned to walk two weeks ago,” Cristobal reportedly became utterly enraged and beat the three taunting men to within an inch of their lives.

“You wanna talk about panthers? That guy pounced like one!” said bar owner Barney Wilson, “I mean, that guy went bananas on those men, and all at once. He kept on screaming ‘Panther Pride! Panther Pride!’ and pounding the ever loving snot out of them. I could have sworn they were dead.”

Patrons of the bar were stunned to see the gruesome display of violence. “I remember seeing him on TV during that bowl game they won a couple years ago, that guy looked intense. I’m gonna be totally honest, this didn’t surprise me at all,” said witness Manuel Suarez. “The way he just kept pounding on their skulls.” Manuel added, “He moved like lightning, swinging his arms like a gorilla. It was like a tornado of violence.”

One witness just kept quietly whispering “the blood” endlessly and we couldn’t get any further comment. Overall, the whole incident seems to have shocked the entire football community.

We were lucky enough to get a comment from University of Miami head football coach, Al Golden, regarding Cristobal’s outburst. “Yeah, I could take him,” was all he wished to comment. In terms of a response from Mario himself, all we can work off of now is what the Miami-Dade Police Department will disclose.

From what they tell our reporters, Cristobal made a barrage of comments from his holding cell to the effect of, “I turned down Rutgers to stay there. I’ll kill for FIU. I run this town, everyone knows I’m gonna skate on this. The only time I’ll serve is in the Presidents office negotiating my raise. I’m the King of football.”

After the tirade, the police tell us, Cristobal screamed, “Panther Pride!”, threw up all over the floor, and collapsed face first into his vomit.

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